Columnist Carol Daniel
“You’re not a man,” my mother told her 7-year-old grandson. “You’re just a kid!”
We were visiting my parents for spring break when Marcus held up his right arm, pulled his sleeve up and flexed his little muscle as a show of strength. That’s when the unforgettable line came out: “I’m a man!”
I tried to contain my laughter as I wondered if he really believed that or if he was just being entertaining.
“What makes you think you’re a man?” I just had to know. And he didn’t skip a beat.
“Because I’m strong, and a man is strong.” He added a few syllables, to make the word “strooonn-gaaah!”
My mother’s turn now to try to redirect his vision.
“That’s not what it means to be a man,” she said. “Ask your grandfather what it means to be man.”
I have to admit that I was on pins and needles with what my 76-year-old father would say. He can tell stories of dropping out of school to work, lying about his age to join the military and then serving 27 years for his country. My father is best described as “old school.” I just didn’t know what response he would give to such a complicated issue.
He didn’t reply at all.
I realized later that didn’t have his hearing aide in, so I don’t think he heard anything we were saying. I quickly told Marcus to ask his father the question when we returned home.
Why does he think he’s a man, anyway? He’s always had an unusual amount of focus on the position and status of men and women. I remember his shock several years ago when he found out that I was older than my husband, his father. His hopeful response, “But daddy is still stronger than you, isn’t he?”
I confirmed that he was indeed stronger than I was, and Marcus seemed happy that I hadn’t upset his world view.
I suppose that his notion that he’s a man is a natural part of his psychological understanding of himself. He wants to be a man. And I’m glad about that. The challenge is to convince him that a man isn’t just one who is physically strong.
“It’s good to be strong and healthy but you also want to be mentally strong,” I told him before school one day. “If you are mentally strong, you’ll be able to say, ‘No, I won’t talk in class’ or ‘no, I won’t do anything that might be me in trouble.’” That’s mental strength.
By the way, my husband’s answer to the issue our seven year old is constantly discussing: “A real man is a godly man.”
Marcus’ response: “But he’s strong, too, right?”
Our work here obviously is not finished yet.