When love hurts

Recently a friend posted on Facebook a very touching all too familiar life situation for which she had been involved in for several years. From her posting I learned that she was having to place an elderly loved one in a facility. That particular loved one had actually been the caregiver for her 101-year-old uncle for years. She cared for him initially part time but eventually had become full time, staying in the guestroom. The uncle and the caregiver became good friends and they promised one another to care for each other until death. Sounds like a blockbuster romance movie, right? 

My friend went on to say that in December, the caregiver became quite ill requiring hospitalization. The uncle never left her alone and stayed in the hospital by her side. When she returned home, it seemed as if she would make a full recovery. However, in January things did not look good and the 101-year-old uncle actually became the caregiver. His health started to fade, he lost weight and it became obvious to my friend that this type of relationship at this point was unsustainable. She had to make a tough decision.  

On the day she arrived to have the caregiver transported to a more appropriate facility, she had to witness her uncle sob uncontrollably as his longtime friend was taken from him. She pondered to herself would he ever heal from such heartbreak. 

That scene and chain of events is something I see quite a bit. Some families are able to care for their loved ones up until the very end of life and others due to finances, time or severity of the illness cannot. I remember watching my mother and her siblings care for my grandmother. They had promised to never put her in a nursing home. But toward the end of life, caring for her was difficult. One of my aunts quit her job and became a 24-hour assistant. My mother and the rest of her siblings would take turns relieving my aunt on the weekends. Now as a physician, I looked at this and thought how is this sustainable? My grandmother was obese, had severe osteoarthritis which rendered her essentially immobile, and if she fell my aunt could not handle her alone. But my family insisted on caring for her alone. 

They were able to keep their promise and my grandmother died peacefully in her home. But is this the case for most families? Not at all!  

Family commitments, work commitments, lack of resources, and poor caregiver health all contribute to the difficult nature of caring for aging family members. However, resources do exist that assist in this emotional process. Social workers, home health agencies, senior services and nursing homes are available to help. But families have to be willing to receive the assistance.  

Life’s a journey. We begin life dependent upon others and we end it possibly the same. Nevertheless, this journey does not have to be in isolation. Showing love to our respected elders, spouses, children, or other individuals precious in our sight not only means being present in their time of need, but it also means making the tough decisions for them when needed.  

Your family doctor,

Denise Hooks-Anderson, M.D.

Assistant Professor

SLUCare Family Medicine

yourhealthmatters@stlamerican.com