Black men vs. white men: What do we want? Who can give it to us?

I was listening to a popular nationally syndicated radio show and the show’s host posed this question: why do black women have a problem with black men dating white women? Could this be because black women will only date good-looking white men?

I thought this was an interesting question and asked several sisters, African-American and Latina, many of whom have dated outside their ethnicity or would not have a problem dating white men.

When we really got down to it, the host had a valid point. Even I had to confess that of the white males I have dated or even considered dating, these men were the “could be on the cover of a magazine” gorgeous. So I had to explore deeply as to the reasons why.

I first thought of my upbringing and the indoctrinated prejudices we as a community have about other ethnicities, specifically about white American males. I grew up in the Northeast surrounded by the strong influences of African-American and Latin-American cultures. It was almost a sin for my “brothers” to let a white boy beat them in any way, be it a fight, sports, girls, etc. The community viewed white males as frail and weak.

On the other hand, men of color see white males as “holding all of the cards,” having the “keys to the kingdom,” etc.

In our communities, the males of color are taught that honor comes from pride, strength and toughness, mentally and physically, no matter how small that man may be or no matter or how much pain he has to face. Men of color carry themselves with a sense of machismo, of swagger. All women like that.

Most of our men have a primary desire to make us feel safe and secure. Add crazy intelligence to the mix, and I am personally in love. Women by nature want to feel a sense of security, physical and financial. But I am more likely to date a man of color, no matter how he looks, if he is intelligent, honest and makes me feel secure. However, a white man has to bring a little more to the table.

So when I asked the girls what else do white guys bring, they said white men try harder for us. White men tend to be gentle. They openly and verbally appreciate our beauty. They comfortably praise our efforts. White men make us feel adored and appreciated. They make time to be understanding and considerate. They love showing their beautiful, brown-skinned women off. . But what I have found most important is what white men do not bring n the struggle; the pain of growing up as a man of color in America. Men of color have the very real burden of carrying “the struggle” in addition to their own personal life’s struggle, and unfortunately this plagues relationships between men and women of color

Many women of color feel that because of the struggles which our men have endured for centuries, we have to give men of color the first opportunity, the first chance at a real honest loving relationship with us. Some of us resent it when we feel our brothers do not give us that same opportunity or chance at a real, lasting, honest, loving relationship.