Recently, after rummaging through old files and papers, guess what I found? A diary entry from 2007! It was an entry I made after I’d made a personal commitment to honor God with my relationships … and it was after I’d taken time to heal from hurtful relationships of the past. It was also after I decided to be celibate and wait on God’s mate for me, but it was before I was seriously dating anyone. In other words, it was my waiting season.
This was the place that felt like eternity. It was a period when I wondered if I’d never get married. Unbeknownst to me, God had already introduced me to the man I would marry. Nevertheless, I had to go through the process of letting God set everything in place. I thought that this season of waiting was a set-back in my desire to be married, but it was really a set-up. God was using this waiting time to prune me, refine my character, test the attitude of my heart and show me the “real me.” This was all a necessary step in my journey to the altar.
Honestly, during this season, I actually wondered, “Am I good enough to be married?” I was playing the numbers game. “God, I am XX years old (feel free to fill in the blank) and you know that the clock is ticking … when am I going to get married?” And with my calculations and timetables, thoughts of doubt, inadequacy and worry set in. Mainly because I wondered if I had what it took to ever get married? My reasoning was that if I was good enough to be a wife, then I’d already be married. And since I wasn’t married, then I likely wasn’t good enough.
Seeing my pity party, God corrected my faulty line of reasoning. I wrote the following entry (edited for space):
I am good enough. Period.
I am pretty enough, smart enough, caring enough – Good Enough. I will not be trapped by those negative thoughts. I will not be my own worst enemy. I refuse to believe those lies.
I need to learn to be comfortable with myself. I think that I am carrying a lot of self-doubt. Like, it’s crazy because in my heart, I feel I’m a good person and that I’m pretty and that I’m special and valuable, but then there are times when I look at other people….notice their good points [or that they’re married] and then I feel….about…(this)….big.
Lord, I realize that I am constantly comparing myself – focusing on what I am not, while forgetting what I am. In this way, I have been robbed of my CONTENTMENT. To be content is to be okay with who you are, what you have (skills, talents, abilities, stuff). So Lord, give me grace to accept myself and to love myself.
And when I don’t love and accept myself – there is no way I can expect anyone else to love and accept me. Anybody can get married. A farmer, a prostitute, a banker, a comedian – anybody. It’s not the end all be all. I am not inadequate because I am not married. I am not better than anyone if I am married. So, why have I made it the FINAL SAY in my life?
I need to remember that even if I get married – it’s still about God’s will. It’s not like, “Yes!! I’m getting married. Thank you Lord for delivering me from my single life!!!” That’s not the attitude to have. I am not just biding my time in life until I get married. I am not just here on earth passing the time until God rescues me from this season. Wrong idea.”
Reading this now allows me to see my personal growth and evolution. God shifted my mind to help me appreciate the single season and to remember His purposes, intentions and desires for my life. I had placed marriage on a pedestal and I missed everything else in the process. I am sharing my personal “diary”, so that if anyone has ever embraced that same faulty line of reasoning, you too can readjust your perspective and appreciate the beauty of the moment.
D. S. Coleman is a blogger, motivational speaker and freelance writer who inspires healthy relationships at www.thelovejourney.com. She is author of the new book Why Dating Sucks & How Courtship is Better (available on www.amazon.com).
