I have to thank Hot 104.1’s Staci Static for this week’s romance jazz. And it works out just fine, since Kenya Vaughn has shamelessly admitted to being a sideliner. You know: a chick on the side. Wow – who knew?
Anyway, Staci posed this question: “Should a woman whose man is cheating get him back by doing the same thing?”
I know, I know, as people have already said, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” But neither does one.
So, what should a sister do?
Sounds like an easy one, and many people on Face Book put their two cents in on it.
Kick him to the curb. bust a window out – then kick him to the curb. sleep with someone, like he did. Move on. Forgive him.
Yes: Move on, or forgive him – there’s no in between.
But the lesson here is for the cheater, because it’s hard to forgive something like that (even though we’re raised to forgive, like our Creator). What’s even harder is rebuilding the trust.
Oh, and before I forget: Bust my window out, and the next things you’ll see are jail bars. Don’t destroy people’s property. Try to keep your dignity and be the bigger person – it isn’t hard to be bigger than someone who violated your trust.
Once trust is lost, mistrust-based arguments will consume the relationship until you either leave or he truly becomes loyal and you truly forgive him.
I believe in making true love work. I can hear someone saying: “If it was true love, he wouldn’t have cheated.”
Thing is – we all make mistakes and do things that we shouldn’t do. And some of those things are irreparable.
As for cheating men – well – that forces me to drop some knowledge that women don’t want to hear or heed, and men would rather I keep my big mouth closed.
But here we go. Women first need to know that if a man cheats on you, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It means he can’t parry his nature. Men are natural-born hunters. And when you’re talking about African (or African-American, though American only points to geography) men, that’s a true hunter.
Oh, and I can just hear the women, but guess what? Sisters, y’all don’t have to take it no more than Kenya has to be a sideliner.
But the thing is: There’s a very good reason that some cultures in Africa practiced polygamy. And it isn’t a sex thing, it’s a communal thing. Though, yes, we’re hunters.
So, here we are in a country that practices monogamy (or attempts to, in many cases). And you don’t have to be a black man to skip out on monogamy. Bill Clinton held the highest office in the land and was married to a beautiful, smart and supportive woman, who was his friend.
Singer Eric Benet was married to one of the most beautiful women on earth in Halle Berry.
So, why?
Say it: nature. It’s a man’s nature. If it wasn’t, infidelity and the divorce rate wouldn’t be what they are.
I’m not making excuses for men, but it must be nature, if it’s what men continue to do. Black folks in America have been living in seasons of cold weather for years, but they naturally still like warm weather. White people who come from a cold climate like the cold more. Nature.
But there’s hope. Like the human body can adapt to environment, men can learn to be monogamous. Here’s the recipe.
Know why you do what you do. Then you can work at converting as long as you: tap into your spirituality, love your mate deeply and care about her feelings.
If that doesn’t work – then nature is stronger than I thought.
But, at least, women have a choice when men “cheat”: forgive or kick rocks.