“Do you take topic suggestions for Black & Single,” a stranger said from out of nowhere during a late afternoon happy hour. “Can you discuss how negative stereotypes and misconceptions about black women hurt their chances at love in your next column?”
In the midst of one of those never-ending Friday evenings – one that makes the idea of an entertainment reporter all but dreadful – something magical happened. This woman (who refused to give her name) stopped mid-conversation to offer her seasoned input, and others chimed in for a captivating conversation on our uphill battle as single black females.
“We can’t find happiness in relationships because of what others think of us,” she said. “Between the media, entertainment and music the world thinks we are angry, bitter, hostile, confrontational sex objects.”
She went on to talk about her niece who was living as an exchange student in China and the struggle the woman had for mere companionship – let alone a love connection.
“They tell us to look outside our race and whatnot, but other races of men think that we are impossible to deal with,” the woman said.
“When my niece was in China, she had one of two experiences. Either the men came at her on the defense like she was a woman with rage that needed to be tamed or she was solely for sexual gratification. And this took place as soon as she would meet them. She was miserable there, and it’s not much different for us here with men – black, white, whatever. And on top of that, we hold black men down to our own fault – especially when they turn their back on us.”
She spoke as if she had been waiting her whole life to say so out loud. Another younger woman couldn’t help but chime in.
“Sometimes I come home and I’m just exhausted from dealing with how people expect me to be,” this other woman said.
“I could tell this man was trying to make me behave the way he thinks black woman are supposed to act. He was downright angry that he had prepared himself for me to be enraged and I didn’t respond that way – and this was just while I was getting help at a customer service department.”
It’s the same in her love life.
“This man I had been on a couple of dates with asked me, ‘Why don’t you have any kids?’ I told him, ‘Because I’m not married,’” she said.
“He still acted like something was wrong with me for NOT being a single parent. It was like because I told him I wanted to be married before I had kids he thought I might have some standards for myself. He didn’t want to have to rise to any sort of expectations. I’m just exhausted.”
Dusted for the idea of being wrong, or dumped for doing right – it didn’t sound promising at all.
“We are so much to so many people – and we don’t even ask for hardly anything in return,” the first lady said. “All we ask is for the brothers to meet us where we are – these days, we aren’t even asking or expecting the men to take us to the next level. Just hold us down where we’re at.”
The amen choir couldn’t help but ensue with the sisters in the small group.
“Now, wait a minute,” a man said to come to the aid of his brothers in spirit. “There are some good men out there. I’m not saying that all brothers are innocent, but sometimes y’all play a part in this by handicapping yourselves with ideas, expectations and demands as far as how you think love is supposed to look, think, act, where love should work and how it should show up.”
It was an excellent point, but I don’t know if it absolutely applies in this time of drought.
“I just think that if they knew what was actually in us as opposed to what people have been led to believe about us, it would be a different story for us,” lady number one said with resolve.
“We would at least have more options.”
