Author celebrates victory over pain on August 6
By Angela Carter
For the St. Louis American
For many years I have furtively suffered from low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, anxiety and depression.
My insecurities stemmed the verbal abuse I suffered as a child, which started around my elementary school years. I have now told my story in a book, hoping I can assist others in the healing process.
Some ask, “Why are you speaking out now? You are an adult, and you should just look past your childhood and move towards your future.” I understand that what affects you as a child can escalate in your adult life and prevent you from becoming the man or woman you were destined to become.
I used to be very outgoing and confident, as early as age five. I would always joke and play around and make people laugh. I wasn’t afraid of challenges or risks. It was around sixth grade when the verbal abused started. One of my parents would yell obscenities at me. I was told that I was ugly, unworthy, dumb, stupid and the list goes. My parent would always compare me to a friends daughter, who could do no wrong. I put every effort into pleasing my parent, but to no avail. Nothing was ever good enough.
The verbal abused I underwent as a child influenced the personality I developed as an adult. I became a person who would always seek approval and acceptance from my peers, authority figures and from the men I dated. I became easily intimidated and afraid to take risks. Being told I would not amount to anything prevented me from going to college right after high school, as I felt I was not good enough or smart enough.
I went though life feeling worthless and full of hurt and pain. I needed an outlet, a sense of security, and as a result I began to look for love in all the wrong places. The sense of worthlessness influenced me to believe that I had to earn love by way of giving gifts and money.
It wasn’t enough that I had my own problems; I made other people’s problems mine. I was always the person people would run to when they needed help, because they new if I didn’t have the answer I would get it. I always managed to motivate and influence others without using the same positive motivation to influence myself.
Little did I know the people I was trying to gain love from didn’t love me and only added to my troubles. I found myself being used by the very people who called themselves my friends. This caused me to withdraw and distrust everyone.
The hurt and pain I carried around for so many years overtook me and eventually turned into anger. I was filled with so much anger that my attitude changed and I became bitter at the world. I felt as if my own parent didn’t love me, then who would? I stop looking for love in other people and shut myself off from the world. At least in my mind, I did.
I graduated from college with a bachelor’s in health care administration, working on my masters in social service. I have raised two boys single-handedly, one of whom is graduating from high school this year. I just closed on my first, newly built home and I am the author of a book, Time Doesn’t Heal All wounds. One would think that my successes should have elevated my level of confidence and self esteem; however, it did not. It made me angrier because I felt that If I had received the love and compassion I needed as a child, I could have accomplished even more, earlier in life.
I was still not happy, until I joined Prince of Peace and started reading A Purpose Driven Life. My book started off as something for me to do to release the pain. Half-way through, I let a friend read the book and she said, “It’s a page tuner, you should publish it.” I then incorporated some drama and things we love to hear about so I could make the book more marketable. Then my insecurities kicked right on in and everything came to a standstill. I fasted and prayed and it was revealed to me that I should tell my story of everything I’ve gone through and how God brought me out. My mindset changed. I long for others to heal.
Angela Carter will celebrate the release of her book Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds from 3-6 p.m. on August 6 at The Richmond Heights Community Center, Hwy. 40 and Hanley Rd. Contact her at acarter@whentimeheals.com, (314) 629-6599, whentimeheals.com.
