(New Orleans) – “Flirting is enjoying who you are while in the company of someone else,” relationship coach and author Abiola Abrams said as a preview for her ESSENCE Festival EmpowerU session, entitled “Flirting 101.”
That’s funny, because for me it’s always been something else altogether.
Actually, it’s usually one of two things.
In most cases, I’m unintentionally making myself irresistible to someone I have absolutely no interest in romantically.
But there is also the rare phenomenon where I’m somewhere looking like a complete fool, thanks to poorly timed overtures towards the man of my dreams that make me look more desperate than desirable.
If flirting is an art, then my contribution falls somewhere between that macaroni necklace EVERY mom is gifted courtesy of an elementary school craft class – or that piece of white construction paper with palm prints of assorted colors.
According to Abrams, it’s because we (meaning me) overthink the idea and make the act of flirting more complicated than it really is.
To that I wanted to say, “Thank you, Captain Obvious,” but then I heard her out. And it gave me a new sense of ease and a better idea of why it doesn’t work out for me.
What got my attention was her approach to the objective. According to her, we’ve been backwards in both in the process and the intended takeaway of the flirt.
“What flirting does is it gives people permission to be themselves around you” Abrams said.
She basically says the flirt should be you publicly enjoying yourself and welcoming others to bask in it.
Abrams believes people get confused about what it means to flirt. Some even shy away from the practice out of fear of appearing loose – or lonely.
With confusion comes stress and pressure. The stupid pickup lines, the ill-timed LBVS (that’s laughing, but very serious) rendezvous requests or left field “maybe we should get together sometime” comments usually follow.
Abrams said you should flirt with everybody … everybody, girl?
She even coined the phrase ABF (always be flirting) that was inspired by the popular Wall Street acronym “ABC” or “always be closing” and details the practice in her book, “The Sacred Bombshell Book of Self-Love.”
“Flirting is saying, ‘I enjoy being me,’” Abrams said. “It gives people permission to be comfortable around you.”
The concept is actually quite different from the narrowly focused flirting information that’s been passed down to women.
The notion is closer to what men are taught – or, in many cases, teach themselves – about the law-of-averages approach they tend to take. And by “law of averages,” I mean “the more I flirt the better my chances to ‘close the deal.’”
Abrams doesn’t see it that way. According to her, the outcome from the other party is not the point.
“What you are getting back is the joy of being you,” Abrams said.
That’s right, ladies. If you are flirting with the sole intention of snagging Mr. Right, you’re going about it all wrong. Attracting the man of your dreams should be the residual of the flirt, not the principal investment.
According to Abrams, everyone should present themselves as someone who is genuinely happy with themselves and wants to reciprocate that energy with the people they interact with.
Make it your mission to show the world every day, “I’m so easy to love, look how much I love myself.”
“If this ends up not being your Mr. Right, you haven’t lost anything,” Abrams said. “It’s just practice, and practice makes perfect. What you are practicing is constantly showing the world how enjoyable you are – and that you may be available.”
