Let me start by saying that I’m fully convinced that the majority of women who sleep around don’t do so because they want to. While some women enjoy the prowess of multiple meaningless sexual exploits and being with guy after guy, it’s not the majority.
I believe that most women who sleep around actually want to be in long-term, fulfilling relationships, but sleeping around is sometimes a defense mechanism to never be in a position to commit and therefore never expect relationships to be more than sex. For some (not all) of these women, the pain of past relationships makes it easier to piecemeal a relationship through several different sex partners, rather than demand that one person treat them right. Sometimes sleeping around is easier than facing their past, their pain or even themselves.
Consider how a lion is trained for the circus. When the lion tries to escape, they get a lashing. When it tries to get away again, it gets more lashes. If it tries again, more lashes. And eventually, the lion will stop trying.
This mentality is the same for far too many women. After facing the hurtful sting of bad relationship after bad relationship, some women stop expecting more. These women have been sold the dream that having a piece of a man for a 30-minute sexual encounter is as good as “relationships” get.
However, I beg to differ. I’m not a one-night stand kind of girl. This was a realization I had in college. Here’s what happened.
One evening, my girls and I were talking about this guy that I liked. He was cute, funny and seemed like a nice guy. So, they pumped me up to call him. It was late, but he said he would come over so that we could “talk.” I naively assumed that his coming over represented an interest in getting to know me, spending time with me and maybe even entering a relationship with me.
However, when he arrived, he slowly laid on the couch and started speaking sweet nothings. That’s when I knew he was only interested in sex. It made me feel like crap, but I had a decision to make. I was at a crossroads that countless women face every day. Here is a guy and he’s only interested in sex. There is a woman and she’s interested in a substantive relationship. Which one wins?
The reality is that sex usually won’t lead to a long-lasting commitment. In rare cases, you may get a ring, but it will be seven years, two babies and one lifetime of frustration later. And who wants that? Many women erroneously assume that sleeping with a man will woo him into falling in love and that it will somehow lead to a committed relationship within 2.5 months.
However, sex minus commitment only equals one thing: sex. And the problem with one-night stands is that there’s a potential to become emotionally invested and continue liking someone, without the relationship that you really want. Even if you ascribe to Steve Harvey’s 90 Day Rule, it’s important to remember the sex may get the man, but it won’t keep him.
So, back to my story that night. There I was, lying next to this guy, wondering what to do next. Should I move forward or simply exit stage right? I chose the latter, and I asked him to leave. Why? Because he wanted sex and I wanted a relationship.
And in that moment, I was wise enough to know the difference. I knew that giving him a piece of my body that night would not make him give me a piece of his heart later. I wanted a relationship and I was not compromising. Now, did I meet my husband the next day? No. But, I did save myself the heartache of falling for someone who wasn’t into me in that way? Yes.
And sometimes avoiding drama is, well priceless.
D. S. Coleman is a blogger, motivational speaker and freelance writer who inspires healthy relationships. Her blog, “The Love Journey” (www.thelovejourney.com), offers inspiration for singles and practical insights for thriving marriages.
