I wouldn’t dare say that I do or say things with respect to dating and the opposite sex for the sake of this column. But, I am motivated to act more fearlessly in that particular arena so that I can learn from and share the experiences for all of our future references.
Anyway, I encourage myself to step outside of longstanding perspectives just so I can see if the tips, advice, disagreements, arguments – and, let’s face it, occasional hate – sent my way are fact or fiction.
Armed with what I’ve heard, I decided to do one thing differently, just to see if I was right about a situation that kicked off more than 10 years ago.
There was this guy I met through work who I was really into. I thought he liked me too, but I never said or did anything about it.
Our conversation, chemistry and overall energy were so compatible that other people even noticed. But I grew up believing that in order for things to work in a relationship, the man had to be the initiator. I was constantly reminded by FEMALE family and friends that if you put yourself out there first, the relationship would be unbalanced and he would always have the upper hand.
“You always need to make sure that the man loves you more than you love him,” somebody told me.
I remember the quote verbatim, but can’t put my finger on who told it to me when I elicited advice as a young girl with a crush. In all fairness to myself, I have nine aunts and AT LEAST 35 older female cousins.
“If he likes you, he will let you know – no matter how shy he is, no matter what the situation. If he doesn’t make the first move, don’t bother.”
So that has been my mantra, from adolescence on up until right now ( as I resist the reality that my middle ages are upon me).
But, thanks to the feedback I get from all of you – and the fact that the same beliefs and actions have landed me in the same space for 20 years – I decided just to see what would happen if I went against my own advice.
So, nine years after the fact, I thought about this guy out of the blue and decided it was a sign to see what could have been.
We’ve seen each other in passing over the years, but never maintained a routine stream of connection.
But when I call, he answers. We chat and usually have lunch or dinner or something in the same way that families used to send annual updates to accompany Christmas cards.
So we were at our annual catch-up outing, and I dropped it on him. I knew he was in a relationship with no intentions of going anywhere, but I felt like I should get it off of my chest and see what he would have to say.
“You know, I’ve always really liked you … like really liked you,” I said, sounding like a third grader on the playground.
Hey, I had never done anything like that before, so to say that it did come out the way I had it in my head was an understatement. But, I wasn’t trying to play homewrecker, and I wanted him to know that.
“I always hoped that you would have stepped to me.”
The response I received was not what I expected.
After a blank stare, he politely and sheepishly said, “Well, I’m flattered.”
It was an anticlimactic let down. Things got weird, so we parted ways.
Later that evening I received a voicemail that essentially said, “Why didn’t you say anything before now?”
Because he never said anything else about our chat after the message I just figured the voicemail was a diplomatic way of sparing my feelings.
The conversation shifted the nature of our relationship into an uncomfortable place.
I reached out to him again recently.
He sent me a text that said, “I just really wish you had said something before. It would have been nice to know you from a relationship standpoint,” in utter past tense. “I think we would have made a great team.”
I went from feeling disappointed to downright forsaken by auntie so-and-so or cousin whats-her-name.