‘The Longest Yard’ has Nelly n and nothing else going for it
By K. Curtis Lyle
For the St. Louis American
In Peter Segal’s The Longest Yard, which opens tomorrow, Adam Sandler is a defrocked ex-NFL quarterback, doing material time for wrecking his girlfriend’s $200,000 Bentley and frontin’ off the cops who arrested him, and doing spiritual time for violating one of the unwritten codes of the hip-hop-sports-entertainment universe: no betting on games in which you are playing.
Chris Rock is a small-time hustler, called “Caretaker,” who seems to be able to provide anybody with anything, wholesome or illicit, behind bars.
Burt Reynolds, reprising a role he created in the 1974 original, plays Nate Scarborough, an inmate with nothing but time and resentment on his hands and revenge on his mind.
Throw in some evil prison guards n what other kind are there? n and some incredibly buffed and athletic fellow inmates (notably ex-Dallas Cowboys All-Pro receiver Michael Irvin) and you’ve got enough of a mix to entertain the kiddies for a couple of hours.
The inmates are offered a chance to exact revenge on the guards in a classic, maniacal, Texas high school-type football showdown. The guards, of course, have all the advantages: a debauched and unscrupulous warden, who is using the game as a springboard to higher political office (think of Dubya here, if you like). The guards are provided top notch accessories n uniforms, field, training, powerful steroids, etc. The inmates have nothing but heart n muscle, revenge motive, time on their hands.
If you’ve been in the joint, well, of course, you want the brothers (most of the inmates are brothers) to KILL the guards. The rulers of the institution are presented as so hateful that Malcolm’s “by any means necessary” comes quickly to mind. If you are part of the Christian right-wing conservative crew … you still want the guards to lose! That’s how unattractive they are.
Still, some of this stuff is so corny, it’s hard to care what happens to either side. This show is not about nuance or character development or sympathy or learning anything. It’s just one joke after another. None are particularly funny or memorable, because they don’t link to anybody or anything or any particular action. It’s like filling up vacant time and space with stuff.
Sandler, a notoriously bad actor, who is also outrageously successful, comes across as his typical smarmy, smart-aleck self, without an ounce of substance n or athletic skill, for that matter. Chris Rock should be ashamed of himself. How can a comedic genius have absolutely nothing to say on the screen, ever?
We could fault the director, Peter Segal, for having no ideas, no sense of pacing n whatever we expect from a director, he absolutely does not deliver. At least Michael Irvin plays himself n an enraged bully, with nothing but axes to grind n well.
With all that said, let me pull a hometown decision out of my hat here. Nelly, yes, our own little St. Lunatic hip-hop superstar, is the best thing to happen to this film. THE CAMERA LOVES HIM! He moves with grace and bright innocence, in the midst of some pretty cynical filmmaking.
His elusive runningback is credible-looking, and his character is developed as wise, witty, a little cunning, with awesome survival skills. I believe making it through the maze of the prison system is dependent more on perception and his style of staying out of trouble than on the bone-crushing spectacle that otherwise dominates the screen.
A disclaimer: see this film at your own risk. After Nelly, I don’t see much else happenin’ here. I’m out.