How to be a full-grown man
By Sen. Barack Obama
Guest columnist
I was reflecting in Scripture, when I came upon 1st Corinthians, Chapter 13: Verse 11: “When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child, but when I became a man I put away childish things.”
It raises for me the issue of what does it mean to be a full-grown man. Because there are a lot of folks, a lot of brothers, who are walking around and they look like men. They’ve got whiskers, they might even have sired a child, but it’s not clear to me that they are full-grown men.
My father was not in the home. I knew him from the stories my mother and my grandparents told me, but I didn’t actually meet my father until I was 10 years old. I met him for a month, and then after that I did not see him again.
I am not alone in that. A lot of men don’t know their fathers. And, then, there are some of us who had fathers in the house, but they were so distant. As a consequence of that, a lot of us had to go and try to figure out how to be a man by ourselves. We’ve got to kind of piece it together.
As a consequence, there are a lot of 30-, 40-, 50-, even some 60-year-olds who never quite grew up, who still engage in childish things, who are more concerned about what they want than what’s good for other people, who may not treat their women the way their women deserve to be treated, who may not engage their children and nurture their children.
So, the question is: What do we have to do, as a community, to lift up an ideal of being full-grown?
We should set an example of excellence for our children. If we are to pass on high expectations to our children, we’ve got to have high expectations for ourselves. It is wonderful if a black man has a job, but it’s even better if a black man owns a business. It is a wonderful thing that you are married and living in a home with your children, but don’t just sit in the house watching “SportsCenter” all weekend long.
We know that our children’s future is in education. Our children are competing against not just folks from Indiana, our children are competing against folks in China, playing the world game, which means we have to achieve the highest educational levels.
Sometimes, I go to an 8th-grade graduation and there’s all that pomp and circumstance and gowns and flowers. It’s just 8th grade, people. They’ve got to get out of high school, then they’ve got to go to college, then they’ve got to get a graduate degree if they want to compete. An 8th-grade education is not going to cut it! Just give them a handshake. Congratulations, now get your butt in the library.
I know that our schools don’t have all of the equipment. I understand that the school-financing system is screwed up. I understand that our teachers need more money. I understand all those things. But, let me say this: That is no excuse. We have to get beyond making excuses if we are going to be full-grown.
One of the values that I think men in particular have to pass on is the value of empathy. Not sympathy, empathy. And what that means is standing in somebody else’s shoes, being able to look through their eyes.
Sometimes brothers in particular don’t like to feel empathy, because we think that’s being soft. There’s a culture in our society that says we can’t show weakness and we can’t, therefore, show kindness. That sometimes we can’t listen to what our women say because we don’t want to act like they’re in charge.
And our young boys see that. They see when you are ignoring your wife. They see when you are inconsiderate at home. They see when you are thinking only about yourself. And so we’ve got to learn to pass on the value of kindness. You’re not strong by putting other people down. You’re strong by lifting them up.
The last thing that’s required for being a full-grown man is hope.
Sometimes, it’s hard to feel hopeful. But it seems to me that the greatest gift that we can pass on to our children is understanding that God is looking after us in this difficult journey.
If we do what we must do, if we try to be true to the example of our Father and use the gifts He’s given us, then not only can we be full-grown, but we can raise the kinds of young men that will make us all proud.
Edited from a Father’s Day sermon delivered at a South Side Chicago church.