I really hate to get cliché with it, but I’m feeling that way today after discussing a few things with a few people with respect to who we decide to boo up with.
I was talking to a man the other day. Well, being nosy … but hey, it comes with the hustle. Or at least that’s the excuse I am now allowed to give as a journalist.
Anyway, I asked this guy if the girl I had seen him out with at least a handful of times was his number one.
“She’s getting ready to be,” he replied. “Nobody has supported and held me down like she has.”
I thought, “Wow. I wish that somebody said that about me.”
But then I thought, “Wait a minute – I’ve never said that about anybody I had decided that I wanted to be with.”
That’s partly because nobody has held me down, but that has more to do with me than anybody else.
And then I thought about the fact that NONE of the females that I had asked the same question had responded in that way either.
Maybe because our parameters for the people that we “decide” to be with are more along the lines of what we think men can do for themselves – and subsequently for us – more so than being compatible or, better yet, supportive to our needs in a relationship.
I’m not just on some “Girl, he’s a doctor. Period.” Or: “He owns his own house and he doesn’t have any kids,” either.
But I think sometimes we look for somebody doing something that we respect instead of somebody that is complimentary to what we need.
Have you ever saw somebody doing something that you respected or that was upstanding or commendable and just figured him being with you was the right thing to do? Of course you have.
Okay, I’ll tell you what – I’ll let you off the hook and be the Spartacus for the entire single black female community on this one.
When we … I mean me … I mean when I do this, I don’t take into account the lack of compatibility in any or all other realms that intertwine in the relationship game. I just figure he’s doing something positive or something that impresses me, so he must be my next boyfriend.
Case in point. There’s this guy that I know that is so community-focused and determined to help mold the minds of the young people in the ‘hood that it almost brings a tear to my eye just typing about it. He loves God (sometimes that’s all it takes to push it over the edge, isn’t it?) and is active in his church as well. He’s as sweet (not in that way) as he can be and just a genuinely good person.
I decided that I was attracted and intrigued by his commitment and fell head over heels in like. He seems to have had an interest in me too. However, as if you didn’t know by now, I’m a Chatty Kathy supreme and this brother makes the strong, quiet type seem like a motor mouth.
Not that there is anything wrong with being quiet; it’s actually kind of pleasant to meet someone who can sit still and listen.
But, I like to talk with people not just to them. But instead of owning up to the fact that we have some communication compatibility issues, I just decided that it would balance out. I talk all the time, so who better to be with than somebody quiet, right?
Not so much. The couple of times that we’ve talked on the phone he could have easily sat the phone down and washed the dishes. Well, no, he wouldn’t because he’s so polite, but you get my drift. I could hear the crickets in my basement when I wasn’t kicking off the conversation and eventually rambling and trying to force him into dialogue by bombarding him with questions.
Bottom line, we won’t work. The shameful truth is that if he had reciprocated more, I would have let it go and been in a relationship that does not fulfill my “convo” quota.
I was so busy thinking about his positives that I totally neglected and refused to entertain the notion that our communication barrier may a negative in our relationship (that never quite happened) – despite his wholesome goodness.
But that’s just me.
