Is it a secret that I’ve mentioned over and over (…and over) that single black females have it so rough that male counterparts can’t shake a stick at our dating frustrations? Don’t answer that.
After getting up close and personal with two single (meaning, not married) black-chelors, I found that it’s not as simple as we all imagine for the fellas.
Many ladies (meaning me) equate the male’s experience on the dating scene much like a visit to the Emperor’s Wok, Ponderosa or the late, great Fire Mountain Grill.
You have instant access to your favorite foods and relish in the opportunity for gluttony. You go hard and love every minute of it – that, is until you make the fatal mistake of a fifth helping of General Tso’s Chicken.
In one bite, things go from paradise to prison as you say to yourself, “Why did I do this to myself? I should have just read my fortune cookie and gone on about my business.”
But (obviously) there’s more to it to than that. And two gracious men on opposite ends of their attempts to find “a good thing” in the form of someone special provided first-hand accounts of their quest for love.
“A lot of people look for a relationship in the hopes of finding something else,” Monteca Simmons said. “They try to be with someone in the hopes of finding some happiness or something, that they are stable or complete. That’s not actually going to do it, but it’s what they think is going to do it.”
Deep. He is indeed self-actualized and attributes his state to spending time working on himself instead of trying to find the good things about himself by way of someone else.
“The first question you have to ask is, ‘Who am I?’” Simmons said. “Then, ‘Am I looking for someone else to make me complete?’”
When he got himself together and on the dating scene, the 30-something Edward Jones executive said he had to deal with women’s biological clocks, settle-down schedules topped off by moving beyond the superficial state of mind of many sisters.
“I’m looking for an open mind and an open conversation,” Simmons said. “Even though they look very good on the outside, you start having a conversation and they pull back their representative.”
Lightweight bitter brother
Anthony (he didn’t want his name used) is a divorced father of two who wore his broken heart on his sleeve as he offered his perspective on black love.
“Is it that black women can’t find men, or is it that they don’t know how to treat them?” Anthony said, in a lightweight “bitter brother” voice.
“It’s like there are 13 women to every man, and I can say it’s not easy to choose. It’s a difficult decision to weigh out the pros and cons, and I’m scared to make the same mistake twice.”
His wife’s cheating heart while he was stationed in Korea during his U.S. Army days led to the end of his marriage.
Anthony said that a major turn-off and a recurring theme in his love life is that women are looking to dictate every aspect of the relationship.
“I’m looking for someone who knows how to play their position,” Anthony said. “What they fail to realize is that if you do it right, you can get what you want. They come in like it’s a hostile takeover, but you have to ease your way in.”
My conversations with both men were refreshing because they made me realize that we women don’t always give brothers the credit they deserve in the selection process.
Often we assume the girl with the cleavage, curves and cute face are considered prime real estate. But both men only mentioned physical attraction as an afterthought for sustaining a relationship.
“I want somebody that’s mentally tough,” Anthony said. “I’m looking for someone that’s a survivor who can take care of themselves.”
Both had some interesting and extremely useful takeaways for us single ladies.
“It takes patience to deal with us black men,” Anthony said. “Have a lot of patience and respect that he is a man and look for somebody that wants the same thing as you want. You do not dictate how someone expresses their love for you.”
“When you marry strictly for love, sometimes you marry for the wrong reason,” Anthony said. “My mother told me that you want to be with someone who is going to be fair even when they’re mad at you.”
